"Artemis Fowl: The Last Guardian" by Eoin Colfer

This book is basically one long final battle, and as such, it's a fitting climax to the series.

[Unmarked spoilers ahead.]

It starts off with Opal Koboi (again) enacting her Very Definitely Real Final Master Plan, involving having herself killed (the "herself" in question being a past version of herself who tagged along with Artemis when he returned from the past in The Time Paradox) and also stuffed down a nuclear reactor so when she explodes from this actual time paradox it doesn't destroy anything important. Except because this is Opal Koboi's Very Definitely Real Final Master Plan™, it actually turns her into a ridiculously powerful magic person.

The usual gang (that being "Artemis, Holly, Butler, and eventually Mulch Diggums, possibly with Foaly support") assembles to stop her from opening some magic gates and unleashing ancient obliterate-ALL-the-humans! magic. Artemis's brothers (of The Fowl Twins fame) also feature in this one, though mostly because they got possessed by some ancient ghosts Opal also unleashed.

This is pretty much the best way the Artemis Fowl series could have ended. It completes Artemis's character arc, it defeats recurring villain Opal Koboi for good this time, it (briefly) brings back stuff from all the way back in book 1... my only quibbles, really, are the somewhat ham-fisted "this is how the world went on spinning after Opal Koboi blew up half the tech in it" epilogue parts. (To be clear, it's not the fact that they were in there, we needed to know how it worked. It's how the author chose to do those that irked me.)

I think this post would also be a good place to talk about the overall arc the series took in quality. It started off quite strong with the original Artemis Fowl, dipping very slowly down from Arctic Incident through Eternity Code to Opal Deception before hitting another peak with Lost Colony. Then it dove off a cliff into Time Paradox, crawled out of the ground with Atlantis Complex, and came back strong for this one. Did that make sense? No? I can do a ranking later if anyone wants.

Were this a videogame, I'd rate it: T. It's good to know this series didn't pull a Mr. Terupt and steadily increase in content level over the course of it.

4 stars. 

(Endnote: I'm not actually sure who the titular Last Guardian is. Maybe the ghost of the original guy who set up the ancient obliterate-ALL-the-humans! magic in the first place?)

"Artemis Fowl: The Atlantis Complex" by Eoin Colfer

In which Artemis has an incredibly annoying alter ego.

He's come down with the titular Atlantis Complex, which is a mental disorder criminals with magic get. In his case, it manifests as an irrational fear of the number four, an irrational love of the number five, severe paranoia, and (eventually) the aforementioned incredibly annoying alter ego. That last is named Orion and he's pretty much the opposite of normal Artemis in every way.

This one jumped fewer sharks than The Time Paradox, possibly because there aren't tons of sharks left to jump. It's better than that one, but it's still probably my second least favorite volume. This is Orion's fault.

Artemis's extremely fancy phone has a bunch of mini-programs, or "mi-p's", on it. Tech-savvy readers may recognize these as what we now call "apps". This isn't a Renamed Concept Rule, though, because the book was written in 2006, and mobile apps started being a thing sometime around 2008. So rather than cumbersomely renaming apps, this book actually predicted their existence.

Were this a videogame, I'd rate it: T for fantasy violence and Orion being weird. 

3 stars.

Favorite lines:

    "No," said the centaur with absolute certainty. "And I say that with absolute certainty."

    Page 137.

    [for context, there's a giant squid trying to crack open Artemis's sea helmet]

    The noise was exactly what Artemis had always imagined it would sound like if a giant squid tried to crack his sea helmet.

    Page 293.

    Any first-day chemistry student could have told Ragby never to put sparks near a mystery gas.

    Unfortunately, Ragby had never met any first-day chemistry students...

    Page 326. 

(Endnote: The author's name is actually pronounced "Owen," not "Ay-oine" or "Ee-owen" or anything like that.)

"Artemis Fowl: The Time Paradox" by Eoin Colfer

Ah yes. The Time Paradox. The only volume of the entire eight-book Artemis Fowl series I do not personally own.

Let me explain.

Now that we have the eighth type of fairies back (as of The Lost Colony) and can do the big magic again, the fairies have the capability to do things like time travel. Which is good, because Artemis's mom is dying of a sickness or something, and in order to save her, he needs a very specific species of lemur. Don't ask me why.

Unfortunately, back when he was still evil, he caused that exact species of lemur to go extinct. Again, don't ask me why. So Holly and present!Artemis go back in time to stop past!Artemis from extinctifying the lemur, which leads to more time-travel-based shenanigans.

And this is where the book gets weird, and it doesn't stop doing so. I would be entirely unsurprised to learn that this was written with the goal of "make Artemis/Holly shipping less problematic;" normally it's super weird and kind of creepy because Artemis is like 15 and Holly is like 80, but this one solves (well, "solves") that by physically re-aging them until they're both biologically the same age. Doesn't really get rid of the mental age gap though, which is where like 87% of the problematicity comes from.

Also, somehow past!Artemis is more competent than present!Artemis? I found that pretty hard to believe. There's also weird stuff with people who want random endangered animals to go extinct if they aren't useful, which is actually |Opal Koboi's fault. Somehow.|

This book's sole saving grace is that it does manage to be plot relevant, with |time-traveled past!Opal| featuring majorly in book 8.

Were this a videogame, I'd rate it: A stern T for being weird.

2 stars.

(Endnote: For all the title says, |book 8|'s time travel is |a lot more paradox-y and confusing|.)

"Artemis Fowl: The Lost Colony" by Eoin Colfer

I liked this one altogether better than the last one. Less of Opal Koboi, maybe? Fewer |major characters dying|? Actually, Holly does |die in this one|. She gets better, though, due to some |time travel shenanigans by Artemis.| Time travel kind of always leads to shenanigans. 

The plot of this is basically: the lost eighth type of fairies yeeted their island into a temporal rift because they got annoyed. The spell they used to do that is starting to fall apart. So now they start randomly appearing, and everyone's trying to stop it. 

Due to plot stuff with other humans figuring out about the time spell, Artemis, Holly, and two of those new fairies |go back to the island and hatch a plan to convert a bomb explosion to magic and put the island back where it's supposed to be. (I KNOW THIS IS SPOILER TAGGED BUT THIS IS LITERALLY THE ENDING I'M SPOILING HERE) Well, almost. It comes back twenty miles off target and three years after they left.|

Were this a videogame, I'd rate it: T for fantasy violence, some crude humor, and some bad language.

I'm giving this one... well guess. If you guessed 4 stars, congratulations, you win an imaginary cookie and some fake internet points.

Favorite lines:

    "Talk straight or die!" shrieked the human into his face.

    N⁰1 shrieked right back at him. "How can I talk straight, you son of a three-legged dog? I don't speak Taiwanese!"

    All of this was said in perfect Taiwanese.

    Page 168.

    It was like a scene from a scary movie, complete with its own sound track.

    Minerva frowned. Real life did not have a sound track. There was music coming from somewhere.

    Page 233.

    "I know magic can be stolen," said Artemis. "Because I stole some myself."

    Page 313. (He's calling out the bad guy for magically hypnotizing his superiors, even though the bad guy shouldn't be able to have magic.)

(Endnote: I've taken to calling Artemis "dear Arty" in my head.)

"Artemis Fowl: The Opal Deception" by Eoin Colfer

Well, that was series-altering. Shame on Opal Koboi for |killing off Commander Root|.

At least it all turns out all right (well, except for the fact that |Commander Root is dead|). I don't have much to say about this one, really.

 

Basically, Opal Koboi (who was behind the battery smugglers in The Arctic Incident) |went into a coma after the events of that book|. So there's no way she could be a threat again, right? Wrong. In fact, |the coma was... (drumroll please) a deception. She also attempts to convince the fairy world that she's still in a coma by replacing herself with a clone. (Clones, in the Artemis Fowl universe, are basically catatonic copies of the original person; the being catatonic isn't a problem if you're using it to fool people into thinking you're still catatonic. It's quite smart, really. She just needed| some potato soup to complete the deception.

So anyway, there's this whole other thing with Opal planning to blow some stuff up, and Opal dumping Artemis and Holly in an abandoned amusement park full of trolls, and Artemis and Butler having to |regain the memories the fairies removed back in book 3. Happily, Artemis gets his character development back! So, yay.|. That's the main focus of the book, actually, plus Opal magicking some human into unwittingly discovering the fairies, as a revenge plot, because she got even more megalomaniacal |during her time in a coma|.

Were this a videogame, I'd rate it: T for fantasy violence, some crude humor, and some bad language.

I'm going to give Opal Deception 4 stars. 

Favorite lines:

 

    Root did not appreciate being argued with. "One, don't call me Julius. Two, do what I say, horsey boy, or I'll have your budget slashed. And three, what in Frond's name is the can-can?"

    Pages 56-57.

(Endnote: No, Artemis does not try to punch any of the trolls. He's not dumb.)

"Artemis Fowl: The Eternity Code" by Eoin Colfer

Yup. I read book 3 of Artemis Fowl. Imagine a heist movie, as a book.

Basically, Artemis cobbles together a computer from various stolen bits of fairy technology. Then he uses it in shady business dealings with an American electronics tycoon. Unfortunately, this goes sideways, and the tycoon guy's henchmen end up stealing the computer. Since it's made out of stolen fairy tech, the fairies want it. So does Artemis. Basically, the computer is a MacGuffin.

Artemis gets enough character development in this one to become someone you could actually like in real life. He even |seriously considers not being a criminal mastermind, and going legitimate like his father wants|.

Mulch Diggums seems to be unable to come up with good pseudonyms. I mean, really? Mo Diggens? (He had a similar bad pseudonym in the last one, but I can't remember it.) Of course, since we're pulling off a heist, he gets brought along, since he can go into human dwellings without permission (due to him not actually caring if he loses his magic or not, since he already lost it). The protagonists pull some extremely clever tricks to get Holly around the "fairies-can't-enter-human-buildings-without-losing-their-magic" thing.

Were this a videogame, I'd rate it: T, probably. It'd be hard to make a book about a single heist into an entire game, though. 

I'm going to give this one 4 stars, like the last one.

Favorite lines:

    The sarcasm made a slight whistling noise as it flew over Loafers' head. 

    Page 131.

(Endnote: I laughed so hard over that ending. |Artemis got his memories erased by the fairies, who are absolutely positive that the good influence of his newly-reformed father and his never-evil mother will stop him from becoming a criminal mastermind again. Unfortunately, it doesn't work. Artemis decides to become a criminal mastermind again, discovers safeguards he'd planted so he could get his memories back, thinks he's the victim of a conspiracy, and declares his past self to be his enemy. I seriously hope he gets the memories back in book 4, because I liked Artemis-with-character-development better than Artemis-with-all-his-character-development-erased.| Sorry for the uber-spoiler-tag, but I wanted to say that and it's a huuuuuuge spoiler. Hey, my endnote was about the ending!)

"Artemis Fowl: The Arctic Incident" by Eoin Colfer

Ayep, book 2 of Artemis Fowl, and all the major characters from Book 1 are back.

We have Artemis Fowl, the now-thirteen-year-old evil genius. We have his butler, Butler. We have Captain Holly Short, the fairy Artemis kidnapped in Book 1. We have Commander Root, a grumpy fairy police guy. We have Foaly, a centaur tech guy who wears a literal tinfoil hat. And last but not least or maybe least, we have Mulch Diggums, a kleptomaniac dwarf who's basically a walking fart joke.

(I don't particularly like Mulch Diggums.)

Anyway, this installment is about Artemis trying to get his kidnapped father back from the Russian mafia. And also about the assorted fairies having assorted problems with battery smuggling. (Apparently fairies don't do batteries, or something.)

The fairies think Artemis is behind this, so they arrest him. Artemis is not behind it. However, he gets shanghaied into figuring out who's smuggling batteries. Then he shanghais the various fairies (really just Root and Holly) into helping him get his dad back.

Were this a videogame, I'd rate it: T again, for violence (mild and fantasy, again), |Holly's finger getting cut off (don't worry, it gets reattached)|, maybe some swearing (don't remember), and some crude humor (mostly Mulch Diggums-related).

I'm giving this one 4 stars. It didn't grab me like Book 1 did.

 

Favorite lines:

    Artemis avoided other teenagers and resented being sent to school, preferring to spend his time plotting his next crime.

   So, even though his involvement with the goblin uprising during this year was to be traumatic, terrifying, and dangerous, it was probably the best thing that could have happened to him. At least he spent some time outdoors, and got to meet some new people.

    It's a pity most of them were trying to kill him.

    Page -1.

(Endnote: On the actual cover, Holly does have pupils and irises, but for some reason they don't show up terribly well in the image. Also, Artemis has a cool scarf.)

"Artemis Fowl" by Eoin Colfer

This book's authentication as not inappropriate came with a large side of warnings about "but it's about the bad guy!" and "he's so annoying!". However, I'm partial to a spot of villain protagonist once in a while, and Artemis didn't annoy me. I suspect he would be completely insufferable in real life, but he's quite fun to read about.

Yes, Artemis Fowl is an evil genius who hatches a plan to kidnap a fairy and hold them for ransom. However, only the broad strokes of his plan really work out. The book is mostly about him trying to hold on to the fairy for any appreciable time, trying to ransom the fairy, and trying to hold on to the ransom money for any appreciable time. Doesn't help him much that the entirety of the fairy police is trying to get their person back.

 

Basically, Artemis Fowl is Professor Moriarty if Professor Moriarty were twelve, didn't have his network of criminals, lived in the modern day, and didn't live in London.

As it turns out, I like books with smart protagonists. If the bad guys are lame enough that your protagonist has to also be lame in order to give you any tension (I'm looking at you, Dungeon Academy: No Humans Allowed), someone is doing something wrong.

Were this a videogame, I'd rate it: T for some swearing and crude humor, and also mild violence and fantasy violence. I feel like it could be a fun videogame in the right hands, something chapter-based but not a visual novel, like how (I think) Deus Ex: Mankind Divided has its different mission/quest/things.

We haven't had one of these since Five Worlds back in January. One of what? Books rated 5 stars.

 

(Endnote: Artemis' plans are like clockwork. They go off perfectly and on time, unless you have a bunch of people determinedly throwing monkey wrenches at them.)