"The Adventurer's Guide to Successful Escapes" by Wade Albert White

THIS IS A BOOK OF UTTER SILLINESS! Utter. Silliness. If you want to know how much silliness... the book is dedicated "to the squirrels".

Also, my mom's reviewed it on her blog, so if you want to see her thoughts on it, go there.

Even on the back cover, there's this:

"There are two kinds of adventure. 1) The kind that involves unicorns and lollipops. 2) The kind that involves escaping from a prison-like orphanage, falling off an exploding mountain, and getting fireballed by a dragon (or possibly eaten by a zombie shark). This is a story about the second kind."

 

And it is. The story is centered around three people: Anne (the main character), Penelope (who wants to be a pirate and/or buy a castle), and Hiro (a somewhat inept wizard). There's joking early on about all sorts of regulation of quests (which the book is about) and prophecies and other things. Also yes, the book DOES start out in the prison-like orphanage the back cover mentioned, and escaping it is a large part of the adventure.

 

Early on, they find a thin red book that changes titles and content, the titular Adventurer's Guide, which has all sorts of advice in it. Some advice is useful, some of it less so. (I'm looking at you, The Adventurer's Guilt for Pink Assassin Hedgehog Volcano Pants Blah blaH blargh.)

 

Oh, and there are robots. And floating islands. And an infinite tower (which is not infinite, but hey, advertising is everything). And one dude with a platypus on his hand. And also an evil orphanage matron. 

If this was a movie (which, by the way, if done right it totally should be), I would rate it PG. Falling off an exploding mountain has its perks, but it's not going to get you a "G" rating.

 

THIS BOOK GETS 5 STARS. 5. Stars. 

Favorite lines:

 

    "Hello. My name is Rokk. I am a PAL series robot. My companions and I are attempting to conduct an illegal escape. Would you be so kind as to remove yourself from the premises?"
    Page 315.

 

    The Matron chuckled. "A perk of the position. Antagonists are allowed three dramatic entrances per quest, and I like to get my money's worth."
    Page 253.

 

    THE FOLLOWING IS A LIST OF THE TOP FIVE OFFENSES FOR WHICH PEOPLE ARE LIKELY TO GET ARRESTED:
1) High treason (to be distinguished from "high tree son"  that is, making your son live at the top of a high tree  which isn't illegal, but also isn't recommended)
2) Forgery (not to be confused with a letter "for Jerry", unless of course it, too, is a forgery)
3) Any utterance whatsoever of the phrase "petrified hippopotamus beak"
4) Unauthorized use of a squirrel in combat
5) Kidnapping your mythology professor (this happens alarmingly often)
     Page 282 (but there are similar funny asides after the end of every chapter)